daydream delusion
limousine eyelash
oh baby with your pretty face
drop a tear in my wineglass
look at those big eyes on your face
see what you mean to me
sweetcakes and milkshakes
i'm a delusion angel
i'm a fantasy parade
i want you to know what i think
don't want you to guess anymore
you have no idea where i came from
we have no idea where we're going
lodged in life like two branches in a river
flowing downstream
caught in the current
i'll carry you you carry me
that's how it could be
don't you know me
don't you know me by now.

-David Jewell

There's more regret in what you don't do than what you do do.

-Edward Albee

Yesterday I decided I'd go check out the brooklyn botanical garden.  I'd never really been to a botanical garden before and wasn't entirely sure how I'd feel about it.  Thankfully, it exceeded my expectations.  Maybe a beautiful area is twice as beautiful when its surrounded by ugly city.  It was really a place I could get lost in.  So expansive with a plethora of hidden areas.  The healthiest giant trees from all over the world blanketed this place.  I keep discovering places that would be beautiful to share with someone I was in love with, owell.  I can be in love with myself for now. 

Btw, how to earn for the summer is settled.  That's nice.  Still figuring out the other two but will continue to be patient. 

You're in a strange place.  When it comes to the neccessities in life you're predisposed to power through quickly until uncertainty becomes certainty.  You're not comfortable in grey areas.  The only event that could keep you from figuring out your way is a decision out of your control left up to someone else.  It might make sense then why you've gravitated to such an independent lifestyle not wanting to relinquish that power to anyone.  

You're in a holding pattern.  In so many ways.

Where to live, who to love, how to earn. 

Will he get lungs?

What do you do?  You can't destroy yourself trying to figure out something out of your control.  Speculation is useless.  It only causes uneeded fears and dangerous hope. 

This also lends credence to the fact that you can't walk this world alone...whether you like it or not. 

All these things will be resolved in time.  This will be a lovely forced way of remaining present and not controlling the future...you can't.

Oh the doldrums of early summer.  Exciting time for many.  You don't have to figure out these things to be happy.  Just know you're doing the best you can until that point. 

Joyful.

Current Location: United States, New York, Astoria

And any man who knows a thing knows he knows not a damn, damn thing at all. 

I want to spend as much of my life as possible near an ocean.

I finally realized how to let go and truly experience an experience.  I think too much and always try to force what I think I should be feeling or really want to feel.  All I have to do is turn my active rational brain off and just find this clear beautiful meditation by focusing all my senses.  I found myself standing with my ankles buried in the sand staring at the ocean for 10 minutes without moving.  My brain is taking all the lessons nature has to teach in without me needing to define it.  Definitely will try again today.

Hello.

Having a self-mandated lazy Sunday after the weekend's increasingly usual debauchery has led me here.  11:11 make a wish. 

Astoria is quiet.  That fact is most likely at the top of the list for reasons I'm glad I live here.  However, I don't spend nearly enough time taking advantage of the silence.  Living in NYC tends to push you into the constant mindset of "needing" to do something.  Productivity is increased sure but at what cost?  There can be incredible honor and joy in work.  Enjoying and loving what you do is an incredible feeling.  The danger is when we start believing our happiness comes from specific achievement.  We'll spend a great great deal of time sacrificing and punishing ourselves until we can grasp this one shred of victory and find that once we have it we just want another one.  This way of living is incredibly common and subconsciously thought to be normal and right.  The true beauty is in the process and the journey.  Imagine having that same joy of achievement everyday.  "Progress not perfection."  The happily ironic part of it all is when you simply love your craft without any specific need except trying to do your very best, you'll achieve so much more than you ever would the other way.  This is the way our brains work.  You will always be the best at what you love the most.  Wow, I'm sure making use of the L word tonight.  I guess there could be worse words to overuse.  This may be starting to sound more new-age than was previously planned(actually my writing rarely has premeditation), I could go more into specific detail but this concept is usually pretty well understood when you allow yourself to.

I guess this way of living has been occupying my thinking lately but its unquestionably vital.  Have to force that discipline for awhile until its habit. ( And an incredible habit it would be.)  Grand scale to small scale.  Long term goals to brushing your teeth.   

I tend to not let myself be as delusionally happy as I could be.  I have so much to be thankful for and proud of in my life that I've achieved through overcoming my own boundaries but all I focus on is what I could do better.  It stresses me out to even the point of insecurity at times.  I need to let go of expectations and remind myself of who I am and who I have become.  I have to remind myself to take my own advice.  I can do my best everyday and achieve all I ever want without being down on myself.  In the end I would achieve so much but be miserable along the way.  This will not happen.  


Well this adventure will continue with me staying in this city.  I never thought I would be a nyc resident post grad school.  Never dreamed of "freelance", especially not here, and still don't.  My story arc only confirms the validity of having a life philosophy of not needing to have everything figured out or planned and be open to all opportunities as your life unravels and the good that comes from it.


One thing at a time.  I know who I am.  Relax.  Focus.  Continue to look for the beauty in everything.  Don't take anything personally.  Cultivate all joy from yourself.  Be thankful. 

More notes:

The greatest artist makes you and everyone else realize things they never have before.

Swimming in a sea of everything.

Dare to have even a more clear imagination of what you want.

People don't understand actions and feelings up here as naturally because everything is so rushed and rational with constant thoughts clogging and disturbing natural brain and body sequences.  By slowing down with less stress one can see past simply the words people say and sense their spirit in their emotions and actions and truly connect with someone.

See things slowly.

I want to write more often to get the random thoughts of the day in here.  That is the new goal.  It's so fascinating to see how my tone changes throughout the years and how it has a direct correlation to how I relate to the world at the time. 

All the tension emotially and physically in your being is communicated and felt on some level to who you are with. 

When you have all you need on the inside you can become exponentially giving because you won't ever need anything you give away. 

We are SO unbelievably small in this universe it blows my mind.

Allow yourself to be as great as you really are.

Current Location: United States, New York, Brooklyn

I miss songs that told stories.

Its always the truly original who are respected most by future generations no matter how much you perfect the current form.

The concept is the only aspect that can remain purely constant.

Current Music: arcade fire

I'm going to go on more walks.

...and eat apples.

"Because if you are like most people, then like most people, you don't know you're like most people."

"My friends tell me that I have a tendency to point out problems without offering solutions, but they never tell me what I should do about it."

-Daniel Gilbert